Rock, paper, scissors. A classic decision making activity. It’s more reliable than the Magic 8 Ball. It helps decide who will sit in the front seat, who’s turn it is to grab a beer and who has to do the dishes, just to name a few.

But what does this game really portray? I get that rock beats scissors. Rock obviously has the power to crush any pair of scissors that comes near it. Rock has been used as a tool of many sorts: a weapon, to make fire, someone eventually turned one into a wheel. And now it can kick the crap out of scissors in a defense against dirty dishes.

I accept that scissors beat paper. It’s obvious that scissors are the primary tool used by toddlers and adults alike to destroy paper. How else would one turn a simple white sheet of copy paper into a beautifully ornate snowflake? How else would the young scorned teenage girls cut their ex-boyfriends out of a picture in which they themselves are just looking too good to throw away? How else can husbands singlehandedly destroy credit cards their wives have been utilizing a bit too much? So it is clear that scissors beat paper.

But that brings me to paper defeating rock. In what world does paper overcome a rock? Or anything for that matter. Can paper do this to people? Are there sheets of paper in offices everywhere wrapping themselves around employees and suffocating them at their desks? So here is the conclusion I have come to: I will always choose rock.

If my opponent chooses paper my fist will already be clenched and ready to punch them in the face. My response will be “Oh, I thought paper would protect you”. Hello front seat and goodbye dishes!