The Best Places to Clap Alien Cheeks in Texas

Unless you've been cryogenically frozen in an underground military bunker for the past few months, you know that a bunch of clowns planned to "storm Area 51" by Naruto running at it. (The logic being that "they can't stop us all".)

What started as a s--tpost on Facebook became a national phenomenon, and people actually showed up to raid the place on September 20, 2019. Memorize the date so you can tell your grandkids where you were when it happened.

I doubt the military will beg for mercy and release all the aliens they've got locked up in Area 51 just because a few dozen weebs showed up to raid the place, but at least we're sending the message that we mean business; that the American people are ready for the truth.

We're ready to clap alien cheeks.

That's according to Twitter anyway, where ClapAlienCheeks was trending all day Friday.

The thing is, you don't have to drive all the way to the Nevada desert to see freaky alien stuff. There are plenty of places right here in Texas where you might run into your interstellar waifu.

MARFA

The West Texas town of Marfa is famous for a few things: The world's smallest Prada store, Elizabeth Taylor hanging out there while filming Giant, and the mysterious Marfa Lights.

If you look in the right direction just after sunset, you can see strange glimmering colors on the horizon. Explanations range from people mistaking car lights for supernatural occurrences to ball lightening caused by geological stress.

Let's get real. There's an extraterrestrial bordello out there and Big Brother doesn't want you to know about it. Naruto run toward the lights with a GoPro strapped to your shinobi headband, then share the earth-shattering footage with the world.

AURORA

In 1897, an alien aircraft crashed near the small North Texas town of Aurora. The "mystery airship" reportedly contained a single tiny, Martian pilot who died upon impact. His body was buried under a tree at a local cemetery you can still visit today.

Of course the skeptics deny this ever happened, but what do those nerds know? I bet if you hang out there long enough, some hot alien descendant of the pilot will show up to visit the grave and you can lend a comforting human shoulder.

STEPHENVILLE

On January 8, 2008, dozens of people in Stephenville reported seeing a UFO the size of a football field moving across the night sky between 6:30 PM and 9:00 PM. Some described the object as zipping around at impossible speeds, while others said it slowly creeped northward before vanishing.

The Air Force later claimed the lights seen in the sky were fighter jets, but we all know what was really going on. Hot aliens were looking for a place to land for shore leave, but the government scared them away because alien-human hybrid people with dual citizenship would create a nightmare of paperwork.

As attitudes relax and big government overreach is scaled back, I think the aliens will return to find out if everything really is bigger in Texas.

HOUSTON

Johnson Space Center in Houston is home to NASA's astronaut corps and probably a lot of hot aliens. How could it not be?

You won't see them on the official tour. The only way to get a glimpse of these spacefaring sirens and studs is to Naruto run in a circle in the parking lot until you reach 88 mph.

Don't be surprised if you're immediately thrown out. The astronauts want all those alien cheeks to themselves.

ORANGE

There have been 11 reported UFO sightings in Texas in September so far. The most recent was logged  at 7 AM Thursday, September 19. A witness reported a cigar-shaped object flying around.

Cigar-shaped object, huh?

NEW BRAUNFELS

On Sunday, September 15, a witness reported seeing three stationary flashing lights in a triangular shape hovering over New Braunfels.

Triangular, aye?

The Navy recently confirmed that videos made public by Tom DeLonge of Blink-182 fame show UFOs teasing our aircraft. The aliens want us, so why are we playing hard to get?